The Day I Didnt Have an Abortion :: Personal Narrative Essays

The Day I Didn't Have an Abortion Have you ever stopped to ponder on the fragility of life? I had always taken life for granted and never gave much thought to how or when my life might end. Then, in June, I was awakened to the realization of just how unstable the balance of life and death can be. I was still a young bride. Jim and I had been married for four years but had been unsuccessful in getting a family started. It was not a matter of not trying. After having experienced two miscarriages and an episode of uterine cancer within those four years, my chances of ever becoming a mother seemed to be so remote as to seem impossible. My doctors had already told me that another pregnancy was "out of the question" and inserted a "loop" (a contraceptive device that is permanently placed in the opening of the uterus) just to make sure that his orders would be heeded. He wanted to prevent any "accidents". Six months passed and my monthly checkups were showing that there were no new growths and no complications. Meanwhile, I was busy getting back into the working world as a junior accountant for a farm equipment dealer in our small northern California town. I enjoyed the work and the association with my coworkers and our customers helped to keep my mind off my unfulfilled mothering instincts. I found myself mothering my coworkers; giving advice, lending a listening ear as well as making homemade breads, brownies and cookies for them. Soon it was time for my seventh month checkup. The doctor went through his routine probing, fluid checks and questioning. All appeared to be in order. However, a few days later, he called to ask that I come to his office. He wouldn't say why, just that we needed to have a little chat. As I placed the phone back in its cradle, I was trembling. This must mean that the cancer had returned. I felt that I had to pull myself together. If it was coming back, this soon, then my life was going to be very short. There were so many things that I had always wanted to see and/or do.